Face it: the world of corporate communications is pretty unimaginative and bland. It could use some rejuvenation. And now, this is possible thanks to the cutting-edge communications techniques used by the ranting Commander-in-Chief Donald Trump.
There is no need for any more staid, predictable, stage-managed shareholder meetings and sincere-sounding Letters from the CEO. Corporate communications professionals should take charge and redesign annual shareholders’ meetings, shareholders’ letters, and even corporate earning guidance notes for the equity analysts who follow your corporation using the new, proven Trump communications style. This is the chance to make your corporation great again. Below are some suggestions on revamping your corporate communications messages to make them more Trumpian.
All those staid, canned types of communication can now be pushed aside. Coming from someone who used to write letters to shareholders of a large bank’s mutual fund company without any significant input from the fund company’s CEO, I can tell you the Trump approach opens the gates to innovative approaches never allowed before in corporate America.
Forget the Legal Compliance Department. Those people dwell in cubicles and are only waiting for their next vacation.
You can also disregard those numerical typos in earnings guidance notes. A few zeros are a technicality.
Since good workers are in high demand, hire people convicted of tax fraud and better yet, put them in charge of the accounting department. The IRS and SEC will never notice.
Since all corporations need a little help from the Almighty, build a corporate chapel on the premises so people can pray to the one true God, who we all know who that is. Or, do we?
Those corporate holiday office parties are boring, so liven them up with some women from Fantasy Island or the adult film industry as guests. That will undoubtedly add to the corporate culture and fuel stories for years to come.
Pay the total amount you owe the federal government in taxes? Never. That’s only for suckers.
If you do business overseas, stuff some cash in an envelope for your next competitive bid and see what happens. After all, if the President of the United States sets the tone for the nation, it can certainly be followed by the nation’s top corporations.
Corporations will benefit from using Trump’s cutting-edge executive communications style. It can make your corporation great again.
Suppose you want to avoid a double standard between the behavior of the nation’s top executives and corporate CEOs. In that case, corporations should lower their standards until they meet those of the former Commander-in-Chief.
Let’s take the case of lying. A recent study found that about 60% of what Trump says is lies, and 78% are “mostly false.” This is why your CEO can now say with a straight face that sales are up 80% yearly and that you are acquiring competitor companies in China and Japan. Does this have to be true? Well, those places are pretty far away, and chances are no one will find out for a while. Besides, those details are for someone else to figure out.
How about that new factory you are building in Ohio that will immediately need 900 new workers starting at $30 an hour? It will be opened in the next few months. Don’t tell anyone you are operating on lunar Chinese and Mayan sunspot-based calendars. But whenever the new place opens, everything it makes will be Made in America, regardless of where it is made.
And what about those nerdy, pointed-head Chartered Financial Analysts (CFAs) who always comb through your corporation’s financials looking for bad news? Of course, they are the enemy of all shareholders. Don’t tolerate any more of their fake news. Only allow earnings surprises on the upside.
If you don’t like any analysts, such as when analyst Marvin Roffman of Janney Montgomery Scott in 1990 found that Trump’s Atlantic City Taj Mahal casino bonds were worse than junk bonds, Trump just got the man fired. Not surprisingly, no one said a word. This can work for you, too. And when you fire the corporations’ critics, say, “They left for a better opportunity.” Your HR Department will undoubtedly understand.
Or better yet, for real macho corporations, follow the approach used by corporations in Michael Clayton, Erin Brokovich, or the true story of Karen Silkwood and go for the lethal goon squads that kill opponents who sought to protect innocent citizens from polluting corporations.
Corporations Will Benefit From Trump’s Style
Corporations would benefit from employing Trump’s cutting-edge executive communications style. After all, many of these are the nation’s top 100 corporations, all of which are the most significant contributors to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. This group has consistently opposed anything that benefits average citizens.
This would undoubtedly benefit companies like Exxon. At their next shareholder meeting, the Exxon CEO can say they have never polluted anything. That thing in Alaska in 1989 was overblown. The birds covered in black stuff had just flown through a dust storm. The dead fish and seals got muddied in their annual migration. Or, if that does not go over well, the new Secretary of State (Rex Tillerson, formerly CEO of Exxon) can issue a gag order, erase a website, or maybe organize an invasion of the offending state that has the most non-believers to the Exxon message.
How about Monsanto and Dow Chemical? Monsanto can say its seeds changed because they were left in storage for too long. But that is not ideal since it would get them in trouble with the
creationists who deny evolution. Exxon could also object since they would have to say oil came from aliens and not dead plant life that existed at the time of dinosaurs. Why? Because creationists say, there never were dinosaurs. And what about Dow Chemical’s pollution in India that killed thousands of innocent people? That was fake news.
And what about Citibank, Bank of America, or Goldman Sachs?
Numbers are for nerds, and they cannot be trusted anyway, so tell average Americans to open more checking accounts and invest their 401(k) money in the bank’s mutual funds. Price rigging for LIBOR, foreign currencies, money laundering, or creating fake mortgage derivatives? The ungrateful, pesky media overblew all those. Anyway, the Department of Labor’s fiduciary rule means nothing, and even the Commander has never released his tax returns, so why bother with quarterlies anyway? Firing entire corporate accounting departments would save shareholders billions.
But there’s more. If your CEO gets a pointed question from some snoopy, elderly shareholder, ignore it. Tell them to shut up, sit down, or have them pulled from the room. Then, the security people should grab the cell phones from other pesky shareholders so there is no event record.
These are all new opportunities for senior corporate communications specialists paid six digits a year to turn out one-sided propaganda about their benevolent employers. But now, corporate communicators can break loose from those straight-laced confines. Swing for the fences. Don’t take any crap from equity analysts, independent board members, the financial media, and shareholders. Trump has set a new standard, so adopt it. It’s working for him.
So, start with the Lord’s Prayer at your next board meeting as the First Lady did in Melbourne, Florida. Opening remarks should be made under a billboard-size photo of Father Charles Coughlin or some Grand Wizard next to your corporate logo. That should get the public’s attention. It’s a new world.
Corporate America should have the guts to adapt. Go for popular opinion at any cost. Don’t be afraid to show your true colors. If you hate unionized workers, paying for health care, paying for unemployment insurance, and oppose the minimum wage, say so.
If you hate to reveal conflicts of interest when selling financial products, say so. Get Trumped.
