A new report shows that Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential candidate, has been holding a series of secret seances in Manhattan to obtain political advice from deceased leaders and personalities to bolster his presidential campaign. Lindsay Graham, a Republican Senator from South Carolina, conducted the seances.
In a series of leaked tapes, we hear Donald Trump conversing with former Italian Dictator Benito Mussolini, Al Capone, Abe Lincoln, Genghis Khan, and Mary Magdalene.
While the tapes are often inaudible in parts, here are some excerpts from the recordings that clearly contain Trump’s voice.
Séance with Benito Mussolini 
Trump: You know, for an Italian guy, you really let a lot of people down. I thought you’d be tougher, but I really like your speaking style, especially when you waved your hands and frowned at the cameras and the big crowds. I really like big crowds. I have had the biggest crowds ever…
Mussolini: Santo Cielo, we’ve heard that for the last hundred years. Your crowds were smaller than mine, plus we did not have as many demented people waving flags, not knowing what day it was like you had. Your followers think they are going to a wrestling match. My people were good Italians. They waved wine bottles, not banners, and worked a few hours a day. What a country.
Trump: Well, they sound like the Republicans in Congress. So, what about my policies?
Mussolini: I didn’t know you had any. But that doesn’t matter to your crowd. Anyway, I was a better speaker than you. Plus, I didn’t have a teleprompter. The thing you have to remember is that on stage, you keep moving, and that gets everyone’s attention. But your talks are too long. I spoke with Fidel down here, and he could talk for four or five hours, but he smoked a lot of cigars. Maybe you should use cigars, too. Plus, you could sell them.
Trump: Not a bad idea. I’ll look into it.
Mussolini: By the way, we see your friend Roy Cohn down here. He’s been burning since he got here, along with Pol Pot, some Gestapo guys, Manson, Bin Laden, Idi Amin. Ya, they are on fire all the time.
Lindsey Graham: Ok, Benito. Ci vediamo presto.
Trump: What language was that? Speak American. Boy, he gives better advice than that drooler, Guiliani. Remember, America First. Can we get a Big Mac around here?
Séance With Genghis Khan 
Lindsey Graham: Hold on. It looks like Mussolini left, but I am getting some vibrations from Genghis Khan. Do you remember who he is?
Trump: Never heard of him. Is he a donor?
Graham: No, he lived a long time ago in Asia. He was a big conqueror. He was from Mongolia.
Trump: Oh, I love conquerors. Where’s Mongolia?
Graham: Genghis, I’m here with Donald Trump. He is running for president of the United States, and he ….
Genghis Khan: Ya, Ya, ya. We heard of him. The guy with the small hands, right? He talks too much and does little. Not like me. I took my men from Mongolia to Russia, and nothing stopped us. Yes, rape and pillage. We were very good at it.
Trump: I like rape and pillage. It sounds like a campaign theme.
Genghis Khan: I don’t know what that is. We just took things and people. That was in the old days. When it got too cold in Russia, we decided to return to Mongolia, the Old Country.
Lindsey Graham: So, what advice do you have for my boyfriend Donald?
Genghis Khan: Ride those horses hard, keep moving, keep the army fed, and avoid dairy products. That horse milk can be bad for the stomach.
Lindsey Graham: Great advice. Thanks, Genghis.
Trump: What a loser. What was he talking about horses for?
Séance With Abe Lincoln
Lindsey Graham: Never mind. Wait, I’m getting some vibrations from Abe Lincoln. Do you have some $5 bills in your pocket?
Trump: No, I never carry cash. I ask for money from anyone around me.
Lindsey Graham, I have Abe Lincoln here. Mr President?
Trump: Yes.
Lindsey Graham: No, no, I mean Abe Lincoln, a real president. Mr. Lincoln, I have Donald Trump here. He is running for president as a Republican.
Abe Lincoln: Yes, we heard of him up here. I was a Republican, you know. When I was in charge, the Republican Party was for keeping the nation together, freeing the slaves, building alliances with our allies overseas, and expanding the country for all the new immigrants.
Trump: Well, those days are over. The Republican Party today is for…well, I guess it’s against everything you just said. Are you sure you were a Republican?
Abe Lincoln: Yes, that was the Republican Party in the 1860s. That is how the North won the Civil War.
Lindsey Graham: Well, I’m not so sure about that. You know, we put up a lot of statues in the South saying the Confederates were just misunderstood, and maybe they won the Civil War, especially after the Battle of Chancellorsville.
Trump: OK, OK, I can’t follow this. Too many issues. By the way, Abe, how do you get your picture on the bills? I want that too, but my picture would be on all the bills: $5, $10, $50, whatever. I may even print my own bills. You know I have a beautiful face, which looks even better in people’s pockets. I’ll think about that. Lindsay, who’s next?
Séance With Al Capone
Lindsey Graham: Wait. I hear gunshots and yelling. They are saying, “Stop that man.” I have a connection with Al Capone.
Trump: Now, we’re getting somewhere. Al Capone. Gee. Even my old lawyer, the closet weirdo Roy Cohn, liked Capone. Al, Al, can you hear me?
Lindsey Graham: No, he has to go through me. Al Capone, I’m here with Donald Trump. Do you have any advice for him?
Al Capone: Who’s that? You know I died of syphilis. Too many women. Too many women. Do you know what that can do to you?
Trump: Oh, I’ve had some experience with that. I could tell you some great stories. But I’ve had a lot of trouble with women. Wives, girlfriends, women in department stores. You name it. Did you see my Access Hollywood tape?
Al Capone: Ya. We watched it down here a few times. But it needed photos. You know I died of syphilis. I can’t remember too much, but Chicago, Chicago, that toddlin’ town. What a great place. Ya, I met women: wives, waitresses, girlfriends, flappers, dolls, Bim, broad, canary, chippy, hoofers, Janes. lookers, Shebas, Bearcats, hookers. You know I died of syphilis?
Donald Trump: So, what advice do you have for me?
Al Capone: Wear protection. Wear that little dunce cap. It makes a difference. You know I died of syphilis?
Lindsey Graham: OK, Al. Have a good eon.
Trump: OK, who’s next… I have to get back to the Courthouse. Plus, I need a Big Mac on the way.
Séance With Mary Magdelane
Lindsey Graham: I understand. Wait. I’m getting a sign from Mary Magdalene. Do you remember her?
Donald Trump: Was she in the dressing room? No, that was that Carroll woman. She caused a lot of trouble even though I never met her. Never. But she was pretty cute. Let’s meet this Magdelene chick
Lindsey Graham: This is indeed an honor. Donald, this is Mary Magdalene, one of the original Disciples.
Trump: Did she ever sing with Diana Ross or Ronnie Spectre? I…..
Mary Magdalene: Speak no more. We know who you are. Thirth-four felony convictions on earth? Really? You are nothing but a Roman munifex who will soon drink the water of bitterness and eat the meal of jealousy. You have gone astray and caused others to defile themselves. You are the king of nothing, except the King of Babylon, and will suffer the same fate as the Chaldeans. As the Lord said to Jeremiah, those who strayed by your hand shall drink the cup of wine, which is God’s wrath, so they shall retch and act crazy because of the sword that I, the Lord, will send among them. You are not the sword of redemption but a viper. You carry false rumors and join hands with the guilty to act as a false witness. All of this is against our teachings. Your suffering is just beginning.
Lindsay Graham: She’s gone. Wow, that was quite a speech. She seemed to know a lot about you. What’s wrong? You look a little pale.
Trump: She’s an old lady anyway and not my type. You know, I forgot to tell her I have my own Bible for sale. She might have bought one, except I took out the section on adultery. It had too many words. Maybe we should break now. I have to get back to that old, humid, hot Courthouse. You know, maybe they keep it like that for a reason. Let’s get a hamburger on the way.
